Perfectionism and People Pleasing: Learning to Love the Flaws You Were Taught to Hide

In a society that celebrates constant achievement and relentless productivity, it is easy to internalize the belief that simply being “enough” does not cut it. For many, this pressure shows up in the form of perfectionism and people-pleasing. Both are two deeply rooted patterns that, while different in nature, often go hand in hand.

On the surface, these behaviors may resemble ambition or kindness. But underneath, they’re often fueled by fear, including fear of failure, disapproval, or not being worthy. Rather than signs of strength, they can be subtle indicators of emotional distress, slowly eroding our mental health, straining relationships, and impacting overall well-being.

In this post, we’ll take a closer look at how perfectionism and people-pleasing overlap, what drives them beneath the surface, and most importantly, how to begin loosening their control on your life.

Understanding Perfectionism and People Pleasing

Perfectionism: When Good Is Never Good Enough

Perfectionism goes beyond healthy ambition. It is the constant pressure to meet impossible standards and a fear of falling short. It is a quiet torment that insists anything less than perfection is failure. Perfectionists often:

• Struggle with fear of failure

• Set unrealistic or excessively high standards

• Be overly self-critical

• Tie their self-worth to their achievements

• Avoid tasks or procrastinate due to fear of not doing them perfectly

While society often celebrates characteristics such as precision, dependability, and high achievement, the hidden cost of perfectionism can be steep, often showing up as chronic anxiety, self-doubt, and burnout.

People-Pleasing: The Need for Approval

People-pleasing is the intense desire to seek others’ approval by placing their feelings and desires above your own, often harming yourself in the process. Their own well-being is secondary to others. People-pleasers often:

• Avoid conflict at all costs

• Say yes when they want to say no

• Overextend themselves to gain approval

• Feel responsible for others' emotions

• Base self-worth on being liked or needed

  
  

Although people-pleasers usually come across as caring, reliable, and supportive, they often struggle internally with fear of rejection and blurred boundaries.

The Overlap Between Perfectionism and People-Pleasing 

Perfectionism and people-pleasing manifest differently, yet they often stem from similar fears and can reinforce one another in a continuous cycle. For instance:

• A perfectionist might strive to be the “perfect friend,” leading to people-pleasing behavior.

• A people-pleaser might overload themselves with tasks to prevent letting others down and strive to complete each one flawlessly to uphold their reputation.

  
  

Both behaviors are efforts to guard against criticism, rejection, or feelings of unworthiness. 

Uncovering the Root Causes: The Foundation of Pressure

Understanding of where these patterns originate from is the first step in breaking free from them. Both perfectionism and people-pleasing are learned responses often stemming from early experiences. 

1. Conditional Acceptance in Childhood

Individuals who battle with perfectionism or people-pleasing often come from environments where acceptance, approval, and love were earned through meeting certain expectations, rather than being offered unconditionally. For example:

• Parents who only praised success and not effort

• Caregivers who were emotionally unavailable unless certain expectations were met

• Families where children had to keep the peace and there was no space for conflict

These early messages send the message to children that their worth is based on their actions, not their identity and internal traits. As time goes on, this can develop into a strong fear of failure or rejection.

2. Societal Influences and Standards 

In today’s world, especially with the rise of social media, there is a strong emphasis on polished images of success, attractiveness, productivity, and popularity. Subliminal messages are consistently portrayed to us, including:

• Be attractive, but not vain.

• Be strong, but not threatening.

• Be agreeable, but not fake.

• Be accomplished, but humble.

These conflicting and unrealistic expectations create an ever-changing goalpost. The harder you try to reach them, the more inadequate you may feel—intensifying perfectionism and people-pleasing as ways to cope.

3. Trauma 

Experiences like childhood trauma, bullying, or emotional neglect can instill a deep fear of rejection or feeling unworthy. People may learn to rely on people-pleasing and perfectionism as a way to feel secure and accepted if their needs were frequently unmet or they were criticized for being “too much” or “not enough.”

The Impact of Approval and Perfection 

• Mental Health Struggles: Anxiety, depression, and chronic stress.

• Burnout: Continually striving to meet unrealistic expectations or keep everyone happy can drain you both emotionally and physically.

• Loss of Self: When you are always trying to be what others want, your own identity and needs can become abandoned or blurred.

• Difficulty with Relationships: Authentic connection is hard when you are performing or over-extending to be accepted.

Breaking Free From These Patterns

Releasing perfectionism and the need to please others is a gradual process. It involves challenging deeply rooted beliefs, forming healthier habits, and cultivating a gentler, more compassionate connection with yourself.

Here are essential steps to begin:

1. Build Self-Awareness of Your Habits

• When are you most likely to overextend yourself or push for perfection?

• What fears or thoughts arise in those moments?

• What do you believe will happen if you say no, make a mistake, or disappoint someone?

Utilize journaling to help with building awareness and self-refection. You can write about recent events where you felt the pressure to be perfect or to please someone. What were you afraid of? How did it feel in your body?

2. Challenge Your Inner Critic

Your inner critic might tell you statements such as:

• “You can’t mess this up. It has to be perfect.”

• “You should have done better.”

• “If you say no, they won’t like you.”

Begin challenging these negative thoughts by asking yourself:

• Is this thought helpful?

• Is it true, or is it fear talking?

• What would I say to a friend in this situation?

• What is the likely vs. feared outcome?

3. Practice Imperfection

Deliberately do small tasks imperfectly. Send an email without triple-checking it. Admit “I don’t know” during a meeting. Let someone else take charge of a task without hovering.

At first, these actions may feel uneasy, but they help build your resilience. Gradually, you will realize that neither the world nor you collapse when things are not perfect.

4. Set Boundaries

If you tend to people-please, saying “no” might feel like letting others down. However, setting boundaries is not selfish, it is self-respect and necessary. Boundaries protect your peace and clearly express your limits. 

Start with small steps:

1. Say, “Let me get back to you” instead of agreeing right away.

2. Turn down invitations when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

3. Give yourself permission to occasionally disappoint others.

   
   

Every time you prioritize your own needs, you strengthen the belief that your value isn’t tied to always saying yes.

5. Redefine Success and Self-Worth

Success does not have to mean being perfect, and being liked does not mean losing yourself. Define both on your own terms:

• Success might mean being genuine, embracing mistakes as growth, or prioritizing your mental well-being.

• Worth might come from your values, your integrity, and your ability to be fully present. Not from what you achieve or how popular you are.

You Don’t Have to Be Perfect to Be Loved

At the heart of both perfectionism and people-pleasing lies a deep yearning to be loved, accepted, and valued. True belonging is not about molding yourself to fit someone else’s expectations or chasing flawless standards. It comes from embracing your authentic self, which is imperfect.

You were never meant to be perfect. You were meant to be whole.

Try taking one small step this week: Say no when you need to, let something be “good enough,” or give yourself permission to rest without guilt. These acts are not signs of laziness or selfishness, they are acts of defiance against the inner voice that says you are only worthy when you do everything perfectly.